little happiness

i wrote about this a few years ago, but thought it was a good kinda time to share it again :)

i thought i'd share my little step by step guide for instant happiness. there is no equipment needed, doesn't cost anything, and it really does work. how much happiness you get really depends on how much of yourself you let go. if you only give a whisper, then it will feel like a teaspoon of sugar; sweet but short lived, but if you give a scream then it will last you all day. But if it does wear off after a while, don't worry, you can always spin again!

ok, first of all think of your favourite place in the entire world. then, if it is possible, go there right now. if it's not possible, then go someplace you feel welcome and warm, someplace calming. for me, it's the woods, but it doesn't have to be anywhere far away or complicated, it could be as simple as stepping into your garden, or near a favourite bench.

once there, stand very still, arms by your sides and close your eyes. think of all the things that are bothering you, let the images and words flicker through your head like a movie. and the more you think about them let them become smaller, grainier, like its an old black and white movie. then stop. stop thinking about anything, if you can, clear you head and open your eyes.

then raise your arms up and out from your body. start to spin round and round, slowly at first, imagine all those images blurring with the world around you, they blur so much you can't even see them anymore.

now close your eyes and spin faster and faster, it sounds strange but you won't be able to hang on to those images, all your energy will go into trying harder and harder to keep standing, but you must keep spinning and spinning faster and faster and faster-just like you did when you were a kid-you wasn't afraid then was you? keep spinning, that's all that matters.

you'll start to laugh, little giggles at first but then you won't be able to control it and you won't be able to control yourself much longer. at some point you'll fall.

don't worry. you are supposed to fall over! it's the whole point, you'll fall and you'll realise that it didn't hurt as much as you thought and you'll lie there laughing and not caring about getting up.

and you know what? when the world is upside down, it's not so scary.

it's great to do by yourself but also with other people, the frantic happy energy rubs off on everybody.
HAPPY SPINNING!

love and all that jazz x

LET ME EAT CAKE

cake cake CAKE. i am aware of the fact that there may be such a thing as too many photos of cake....but i ask you to just indulge me for a bit...after all it is my birthday and you can never have enough sugar right? :)

jelly and icecreeeeeeam

and as if the sugar wasn't enough to spoil me rotten...

would any of you lovelies like a piece of cake?

i wana take a small space here to say a little 'sorry for being a grumpy old woman in my last post' speach. but you have to admit, turning twenty four is a damn scary thing and, i believe, would turn the most normal of girls into a crying-whilst-eating-everything-in-the-fridge-mess.

but of course now that it is actually here i can see that i may have blown the whole thing ever so slightly out of proportion...because i'm looking out of the kitchen window and that mole hill my mother was mumbling on about a mere few days ago has now got a guy selling oxygen masks at the bottom of it.

soooo i am once again a happy little chocolate cake eating bunny :)

hope you all are having a splendid week? anybody else get a year older and have a small freak out?

love and all that jazz x



goodnight

i'm twenty four tomorrow. this is the first birthday that i almost wish wasn't happening. all the other twenty three of them have been received with glittery excitement, i used to love celebrating the day i was born. but now it's a strange thought to think i've been here twenty four years, i know everybody says this, but i really don't feel like i've been here anywhere near twenty four years.
in fact, tonight, curled under the blanket in my old bed in my old room, trying not to cry too loudly, i feel about five again.
there is a memory from when i was five; i had been watching television downstairs with mum and dad, it was some kind of comedy show and it was comforting to hear my parents laughing every now and then and the way the fire was glowing and crackling was making me sleepy.
i must have fallen asleep and been carried up to my room because the next time i opened my eyes there was only darkness around me. i was confused and disorientated and i remember that sickly fear creeping across my skin and the panic that made the blood run loud in my ears. i closed my eyes as tight as i could and screamed for my mum before pressing my face into my pillow.
my fear was short lived as within minutes my mother was clicking the light on and by my side. with the room illuminated and wrapped up in warm arms i was once again calm, and this time when i drifted into sleep i didn't emerge until the morning sun flooded through my window.
but i'm not five anymore, and it's not only the dark that's making me cry. i can't shout out because no body's coming, and even if they did i know clicking the light on isn't going to help me sleep.
x

we're guna stay 18 forever

 

saturday night saw four friends taking a little hop skip and jump back in time. dancing and spinning through a night dusted only lightly with a nostalgic glitter, making it blur softly around the edges.

there was margaritas and the lemon and the lime made me bite my lip and immediately crave the sugar that was dripping down the glass. we chatted through smoke and kept bad balance on our heels whilst lighting our cigarettes and smudging lipstick over pouted lips.

that night, it felt like we were all very much younger, not caring that the music was making us dance like we were from the 60's and not even noticing until the morning after, the dirt from the floor smeared across our ankles.

love and all that jazz x

rainy days are lazy days

lets make banana pancakes with golden syrup and eat until our tummy's are full then curl up under patchwork blankets until we are warm and cosy and watch the world crash around in the rain.

x

i think i might be me again?

it appears i may be back from the land of the not-quite-dead-but-pretty-much.

it is not a very nice land to go and visit, but for some reason so many of us do tend to end up there even if we thought we'd taken all the necessary precautions to NOT end up there.

am i making any sort of resemblance to sense?

well, it all started six glittery years ago with a boy.

(sigh)it always starts with a boy.

so, it was late summer and girl meets boy. the boy was quiet, his guitar was noisy and the ring through his lip was sexy. the girl was loud, her paintings were louder and her hair was messy.

when the girl told the boy she loved him she smiled because it wasn't hard to say at all. and when the boy said it back they knew it was them. them against the world.

next came the big test. the boy moved far far away. but the year apart passed quickly, all wrapped up in weekend visits full of candyfloss and carousels.

the following summer they moved to the seaside and lived for three years in the sparkling mess that is Brighton.

they filled their stomachs with black coffee, cigarettes and take-aways. grinning away as they perfected microwave popcorn.

the boy drank in music, and spat out his lip ring.

the girl smelt of paint, pricked her fingers on sewing needles and wanted to colour everything, wanted their world to stay as this rainbow.

but then boy and girl moved away from the seaside. and without the salty air to breathe the girl got louder.

she cried louder. she shouted louder.

the boy was quiet for a long time. but then he got louder too.

but young love is a hard spell to break. and they fought to keep it. they fought against the end with all of their strength.

but then one day came and they were just two figures standing in a room.

just a boy and a girl.

both too scared to admit something horrible.

and now the boy isn't here anymore. it's just the girl.

just me.

so ever since it's been just me, i haven't really been participating in the waking world. suddenly everything seemed gigantic and scary, decisions that i wouldn't have even thought about now needed to be decided by none other than little old me and i didn't have a sodding clue.

it's taken a while, but i eventually feel like i can once again show this world a thing or two.

but let me just say, that there is no way i would be sat here right now, writing this if it wasn't for this one god damn amazing person. well to be honest, if it wasn't for her, i would most probably still be under the rock i was planning to crawl under, before she charged in, bashed through my tears and dragged me back, kicking and screaming, to the land of the living. she was the first person i called when i drove away from the huge bomb i had just thrown onto my relationship, and she was the only person to just look after me and she never once said i might have made a mistake. which i will love her forever for :)

oh and can we all wish our bestest for sun pleeeease? i'm off to 'love saves the day' festival on sunday and would rather love some vitamim D. :)

love and all that jazz x

just to let you guys know - my life is quite different to how it used to be right now, but you don't need to be bored with every detail, the only detail that i thought i should say is that i am without a way of blogging frequently at the moment, hopefully when things sort themselves out a bit better i can once again bore you with the trivial goings on in my life.
but here's something i wrote yesterday, after a long spell of the dreaded writers block.

we'll always have paris

as i stand in the debris
of a life that was once ours,
our old faces still smile,
beaming at me through the broken shards.
i cry, loud, angry tears.
i choke in the silence,
the deafening nothingness that pinches every inch of my skin.
i stare at him
and wonder if i look as different as he does.
we take black bags and cardboard boxes
and pour old lives into them.
all those moments that once glittered
bright enough to blind
now lie crumpled and creased,
not just packed away
but broken and discarded.
we fill box after box
and then we drive to a place that is just far enough away
and we leave them behind us.
we sweep the lingering dust down the stairs
and watch it get tugged away
back into the outside world.
we stand and breathe.
my lungs are tight
and the cold stings and rattles inside me,
but it helps to fill the emptiness.
now it's all over.
we smashed the world we took years piecing together
and we've cleared away the mess.
there's nothing left to do but turn and walk away.
i don't know where i'm walking to yet,
and it's cold without somebody walking by my side.
but people tell me summer is on it's way.

love and all that jazz x