rainy days are lazy days

lets make banana pancakes with golden syrup and eat until our tummy's are full then curl up under patchwork blankets until we are warm and cosy and watch the world crash around in the rain.

x

i think i might be me again?

it appears i may be back from the land of the not-quite-dead-but-pretty-much.

it is not a very nice land to go and visit, but for some reason so many of us do tend to end up there even if we thought we'd taken all the necessary precautions to NOT end up there.

am i making any sort of resemblance to sense?

well, it all started six glittery years ago with a boy.

(sigh)it always starts with a boy.

so, it was late summer and girl meets boy. the boy was quiet, his guitar was noisy and the ring through his lip was sexy. the girl was loud, her paintings were louder and her hair was messy.

when the girl told the boy she loved him she smiled because it wasn't hard to say at all. and when the boy said it back they knew it was them. them against the world.

next came the big test. the boy moved far far away. but the year apart passed quickly, all wrapped up in weekend visits full of candyfloss and carousels.

the following summer they moved to the seaside and lived for three years in the sparkling mess that is Brighton.

they filled their stomachs with black coffee, cigarettes and take-aways. grinning away as they perfected microwave popcorn.

the boy drank in music, and spat out his lip ring.

the girl smelt of paint, pricked her fingers on sewing needles and wanted to colour everything, wanted their world to stay as this rainbow.

but then boy and girl moved away from the seaside. and without the salty air to breathe the girl got louder.

she cried louder. she shouted louder.

the boy was quiet for a long time. but then he got louder too.

but young love is a hard spell to break. and they fought to keep it. they fought against the end with all of their strength.

but then one day came and they were just two figures standing in a room.

just a boy and a girl.

both too scared to admit something horrible.

and now the boy isn't here anymore. it's just the girl.

just me.

so ever since it's been just me, i haven't really been participating in the waking world. suddenly everything seemed gigantic and scary, decisions that i wouldn't have even thought about now needed to be decided by none other than little old me and i didn't have a sodding clue.

it's taken a while, but i eventually feel like i can once again show this world a thing or two.

but let me just say, that there is no way i would be sat here right now, writing this if it wasn't for this one god damn amazing person. well to be honest, if it wasn't for her, i would most probably still be under the rock i was planning to crawl under, before she charged in, bashed through my tears and dragged me back, kicking and screaming, to the land of the living. she was the first person i called when i drove away from the huge bomb i had just thrown onto my relationship, and she was the only person to just look after me and she never once said i might have made a mistake. which i will love her forever for :)

oh and can we all wish our bestest for sun pleeeease? i'm off to 'love saves the day' festival on sunday and would rather love some vitamim D. :)

love and all that jazz x

just to let you guys know - my life is quite different to how it used to be right now, but you don't need to be bored with every detail, the only detail that i thought i should say is that i am without a way of blogging frequently at the moment, hopefully when things sort themselves out a bit better i can once again bore you with the trivial goings on in my life.
but here's something i wrote yesterday, after a long spell of the dreaded writers block.

we'll always have paris

as i stand in the debris
of a life that was once ours,
our old faces still smile,
beaming at me through the broken shards.
i cry, loud, angry tears.
i choke in the silence,
the deafening nothingness that pinches every inch of my skin.
i stare at him
and wonder if i look as different as he does.
we take black bags and cardboard boxes
and pour old lives into them.
all those moments that once glittered
bright enough to blind
now lie crumpled and creased,
not just packed away
but broken and discarded.
we fill box after box
and then we drive to a place that is just far enough away
and we leave them behind us.
we sweep the lingering dust down the stairs
and watch it get tugged away
back into the outside world.
we stand and breathe.
my lungs are tight
and the cold stings and rattles inside me,
but it helps to fill the emptiness.
now it's all over.
we smashed the world we took years piecing together
and we've cleared away the mess.
there's nothing left to do but turn and walk away.
i don't know where i'm walking to yet,
and it's cold without somebody walking by my side.
but people tell me summer is on it's way.

love and all that jazz x

there's not much left

hello, it's me.
there's not much left of what there was before. for example, there's no more origami birds, no blue rug in the kitchen, no green cup that holds a pint of coffee, no pink and gold bookshelf full of books eagerly bought and yet to read, no patchwork blanket and no cork board full of things that had made me laugh.
there's also not much left of what i used to do, like there's no more checking the post, no more balancing plates promising to wash them up later, no more eating baked beans as i wait for dinner to cook. i don't pull my car into the drive and almost catch the wall anymore, i don't push the door open with my right foot at the same time as turning the key anymore, and i don't shout out to see if he's home and if he wants take away tonight anymore.
there is an emptiness now, i can feel it following me around, i keep stopping to look over my shoulder and find it glancing in my direction. it doesn't say anything, just gives me that look, just reminding me that it'll be around for a while.
i don't mind horribly, at least it keeps me aware of whats happened, keeps me in my new reality. my old one isn't there anymore, i saw a crack, ages ago, and i scratched at it and tapped at it and then i stuck a picture over it. and then a few days ago, the picture fell down, so i took a hammer and smashed it onto the crack. the crack is gone now, as is the entire structure. all laying is a dusty mess around my feet. i stood for a while and breathed it all in, then when i had finished coughing i realised i was stood on the edge of nowhere, cold and alone.
i don't feel safe in these new surroundings, there is nothing to catch me when i fall, and i do fall, a lot.
but there is also no dust here, and no cracks.

x

in 6 months i'll see her pretty face again

Dearest Abz,

you know i already miss you and literally can't wait until you jump back onto this rather lovely english ground :)

november can't come quick enough! 

for all you guys who don't know abz, she is completely amazing :)

(she is also a very brave amazing person and is in the RAF police and is leaving me to go to Afghanistan for 6 months. grrrr.)

love and all that jazz x

some other universe

somewhere, very far away, in some other universe i am leaving. i have a small battered old suitcase with clasps and it doesn't hold much. but thats ok, because there isn't much that i need. i didn't plan this, well, not in the sense that i marked it all out, step by step and counted down the days. but in a way, i suppose it was always planned, singing away in the back of my heart, underneath the dust in my mind and on the other side of my soul. 
i walk into my bedroom and pull out my favourite dress, a worn pair of shorts and a few sleeveless tops. i make my way into the living room and grab my cardigan with the button missing from where i'd thrown it on the sofa. there's still a little room left in my case so i drop in my red nail polish, vanilla perfume and a half used packet of chewing gum.
as i slip my bare feet into a pair of beaten up sandals i push some notes into my shorts pocket, along with my bank card and drivers license.
i sling my yellow bag over my shoulder and as an afterthought pick up my daisy grip and clip it into my hair. 
when i walk out of the door i pause to push big red sunglasses over my face and breathe in one last breath of here.
i shove my suitcase and bag into the front seat and then climb in and start the engine. winding down the window i can already feel the sun burning softly against my skin, the perfect pain. 
i know i have a ticket, to some place.
in some other universe it is all so very different. 


x

mum

ok, so i know this is late...and i also know i haven't been blogging much lately. bad millie.
it's just work. 
work. work. work.
i always said i would never say that. in my youth (yes i am only 23 and i am using that phrase. thats how bad things are.) i would roll my eyes when people said that they couldn't do the things they loved because they were so busy doing work they very much didn't love. i would simply shrug my shoulders and say very unhelpful things like 'so get another job' or 'just quit! life's too short!'.
a few weeks a go i wanted to slap my younger, blonder self in the face and shout 'stupid girl!'. but now, maybe i should start taking a leaf out of her book. 
and for goodness sake i really need to STOP MOANING. i have become The Moaning Queen. 
and on that note...
the day for mothers came and went as did the traditional 'family meal' and a rather spontaneous jaunt through the daffodils.

the mother and the brother

the mother and the uncle

the uncle and the nan

the nan and the mother

and me and the brother

and yes, there was lots of getting up and playing musical chairs in order to get all these photos (and all the hundreds and thousands the uncle insisted on taking and that the brother insisted on escaping out of) before the food and drinks arrived.

my yummy starter of mellon (which was actually ridiculously filling and i had to wimp out and get the brother to eat half)

vegan curry and chips. happy millie

good coffee. mucho happy millie

then we all decided to go catch some pixies in the daffodils.

love and all that jazz x