Friday, 20 April 2012

there's not much left

hello, it's me.
there's not much left of what there was before. for example, there's no more origami birds, no blue rug in the kitchen, no green cup that holds a pint of coffee, no pink and gold bookshelf full of books eagerly bought and yet to read, no patchwork blanket and no cork board full of things that had made me laugh.
there's also not much left of what i used to do, like there's no more checking the post, no more balancing plates promising to wash them up later, no more eating baked beans as i wait for dinner to cook. i don't pull my car into the drive and almost catch the wall anymore, i don't push the door open with my right foot at the same time as turning the key anymore, and i don't shout out to see if he's home and if he wants take away tonight anymore.
there is an emptiness now, i can feel it following me around, i keep stopping to look over my shoulder and find it glancing in my direction. it doesn't say anything, just gives me that look, just reminding me that it'll be around for a while.
i don't mind horribly, at least it keeps me aware of whats happened, keeps me in my new reality. my old one isn't there anymore, i saw a crack, ages ago, and i scratched at it and tapped at it and then i stuck a picture over it. and then a few days ago, the picture fell down, so i took a hammer and smashed it onto the crack. the crack is gone now, as is the entire structure. all laying is a dusty mess around my feet. i stood for a while and breathed it all in, then when i had finished coughing i realised i was stood on the edge of nowhere, cold and alone.
i don't feel safe in these new surroundings, there is nothing to catch me when i fall, and i do fall, a lot.
but there is also no dust here, and no cracks.

x

4 comments:

Sweet Monday said...

:( love you lots!

Lady of the Greenwood said...

Nothing but 'Blue Skies' from now on. Just wait and see.xx

Party Poison said...

Are you alright? I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

Liz Liz Bo Biz said...

what's wrong? :(