a remedy for feeling blue

i thought i'd share my little step by step guide for instant happiness. there is no equipment needed, doesn't cost anything, and it really does work. how much happiness you get really depends on how much of yourself you let go. if you only give a whisper, then it will feel like a teaspoon of sugar; sweet but short lived, but if you give a scream then it will last you all day. But if it does wear off after a while, don't worry, you can always spin again!

ok, first of all think of your favourite place in the entire world. then, if it is possible, go there right now. if it's not possible, then go someplace you feel welcome and warm, someplace calming. for me, it's the woods, but it doesn't have to be anywhere far away or complicated, it could be as simple as stepping into your garden, or near a favourite bench.

once there, stand very still, arms by your sides and close your eyes. think of all the things that are bothering you, let the images and words flicker through your head like a movie. and the more you think about them let them become smaller, grainier, like its an old black and white movie. then stop. stop thinking about anything, if you can, clear you head and open your eyes.

then raise your arms up and out from your body. start to spin round and round, slowly at first, imagine all those images bluring with the world around you, they blur so much you can't even see them anymore.

now close your eyes and spin faster and faster, it sounds strange but you won't be able to hang on to those images, all your energy will go into trying harder and harder to keep standing, but you must keep spinning and spinning faster and faster and faster-just like you did when you were a kid-you wasn't afraid then was you? keep spinnning, thats all that matters.

you'll start to laugh, little giggles at first but then you won't be able to control it and you won't be able to control yourself much longer. at some point you'll fall.

don't worry. you are supposed to fall over! it's the whole point, you'll fall and you'll realise that it didn't hurt as much as you thought and you'll lie there laughing and not caring about getting up.

and you know what? when the world is upside down, it's not so scary.

it's great to do by yourself but also with other people, the frantic happy energy rubs off on everybody. and now it's autumn which is grrrrreat! because a big pile of leaves makes a perfect landing :)

then...and now

that was then...

this is now...

despite the trembles as the lady with the scissors approached, it all went rather well. i didn't cry, mostly because i didn't watch as my hair fell to the floor in giant clumps, choosing instead to stare at my chipped nails that i still haven't got round to painting. but when i did finally find the courage to peep, the tears i thought would inevitably spring forth, decided to take a rain check. 

and i must say, it was nice to feel the sun on my face today and flick my hair about like i was advertising some organic shampoo. 

i am a happy bunny. 

it is time

so, the time has come for The Hair Cut. and i don't mean a simple 'trim', or 'tidy-up', i'm talking about the whole hog, the entire gooseberry, the one and only trek into oblivion. for the past few months i have felt that a change was on the way, i little feeling of unsettlement that wouldn't go away. it didn't matter what i did, how i tried hopelessly to style it, or how many grips i shoved into it, colours came and went, but ultimately they all faded, and i was left with the same mass or brown on my head and a slightly annoyed expression on my face. 
for the last 5 years i have avoided hairdressers, actually thats not entirely true, i haven't so much avoided them as i have just simply forgotten about them. the first 2 years was me avoiding, the next year was me too scared to go because i'd left it so long i knew they'd tut and roll their eyes and it makes me anxious when people do that, so my hair went uncut, apart from the times when i marched into my tiny bathroom, armed with scissors and more determination than i felt towards my future career and attacked my split ends. the last 2 years have been dedicated to growing it and not caring about all the hairdressers all over the world that shuddered every time i hairsprayed and tugged the matted mess into submission. 
so now this is what it has come to, this is where i stand, on the brink of 6 inches being chopped off.
so now the real question is....to fringe or not to fringe?
stay tuned...

bye bye summer

so, after briefly jumping in and giving us a dance, Summer has decided that it's feet are aching already, it's voice is scratchy and it's still feeling hungover from last year. it doesn't matter that we all bought our tickets months ago and that we've been in the all standing section for ages, clutching our water bottles hoping and bitting our finger nails, waiting for it to make it's appearence. remember how happy we all were? filled with nervous excitment, and then that momment when eventually, somebody saw the curtain twitch, 'its here!' they yelled, and we all started applauding, cheering and throwing our underwear into the sky. looking back we really should of known, shouldn't we? i mean, it does this every year. yet still we remain faithful to the end, the one season we hold our breath for, the one season that will never be removed from our ipods, we'd have it on loop if we could. but still, it has gone, sulked off backstage for a foot rub and a shot of tequlia, we're not even invited to the afterparty.

as red as you

just a little bit of paint

i'm laying on the ground, its soft and i can smell the earth and it's damp against my skin.

the air is warm as it settles on my body and i can feel the weight of this world and all of my beloved sins.

i writhe in the sweat and bask in the sweetest heat and i am the happiest i can be.

we'll be alright

it started how it always starts; with alcohol.

trying to remember the night before the morning after can be likened to loosing your photographs and only having the negatives. but the thing is, you've spilt coffee all over the film so half are unrecognisable and the other half are blurred and sticky. you scrabble around squinting at the tiny images, hoping to see a face...remember a bar. your head pounds in a soft rhythm as you trace your steps back through the darkness, snatching at anything...the first few notes from a song briefly replaying itself...or the taste of a sweet drink hastily swallowed. i woke last sunday morning from a slumber deep enough for sleeping beauty to be impressed. i felt the world edge it's way into my consciousness and with it, it brought a loud and crashing mess of broken and dismantled memories, ones that i spent the morning painstakingly stitching back together. every step was a painful reminder, but each stab also brought a smile to my face as it plunged my mind back to the dancing, the wild giddy rush that drenches your body when theres alcohol running through the veins and your favourite song beating through the ribcage. 

23 was easier than i thought

every year when time creeps up to my birthday, darting between the shadows and hiding under the bed, every year when it slowly reaches out and pokes my birthday calendar hard enough to make the numbers stumble over another year, i am pacing the floor, gnashing at my fingernails and awaiting the gigantic bomb that is going to explode, turning the world into a crashing, swirling glittery mess as it announces the arrival of another birthday cake. so i don't know why i am always to pleasantly surprised to open my eyes, peep through my fingers and find everything as i left it. i mean i honestly feel like nothing has changed since i was sweet sixteen, literally nothing; 
i still have no grey hairs (ok it is unlikely i know but imagine if you had one and didn't even know about it?! surely its best just to check?!)
i have stopped telling the 'easter chocolate' lie, however i have now begun the 'its preparation for xmas' lie.
i still don't like wine. there, i said it. (i'm sorry for any wine lovers out there but for me it's just too dry, makes my eye to a very weird involuntary twitchy thing and makes my tongue feel like its shrinking.)
i still secretly sing along to bon jovi at the top of my voice then change my status on facebook to a line from 'always' and regret it when i realise my secret is out.


annoyingly i don't have time right now to finish my list...but please feel free to contribute! 
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