goodnight

i'm twenty four tomorrow. this is the first birthday that i almost wish wasn't happening. all the other twenty three of them have been received with glittery excitement, i used to love celebrating the day i was born. but now it's a strange thought to think i've been here twenty four years, i know everybody says this, but i really don't feel like i've been here anywhere near twenty four years.
in fact, tonight, curled under the blanket in my old bed in my old room, trying not to cry too loudly, i feel about five again.
there is a memory from when i was five; i had been watching television downstairs with mum and dad, it was some kind of comedy show and it was comforting to hear my parents laughing every now and then and the way the fire was glowing and crackling was making me sleepy.
i must have fallen asleep and been carried up to my room because the next time i opened my eyes there was only darkness around me. i was confused and disorientated and i remember that sickly fear creeping across my skin and the panic that made the blood run loud in my ears. i closed my eyes as tight as i could and screamed for my mum before pressing my face into my pillow.
my fear was short lived as within minutes my mother was clicking the light on and by my side. with the room illuminated and wrapped up in warm arms i was once again calm, and this time when i drifted into sleep i didn't emerge until the morning sun flooded through my window.
but i'm not five anymore, and it's not only the dark that's making me cry. i can't shout out because no body's coming, and even if they did i know clicking the light on isn't going to help me sleep.
x